how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
