His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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