If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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