I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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