She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
