I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
