Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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