yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
