Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
