i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
