I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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