How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
