I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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