wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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