I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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