Cold hands, warm shart.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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