Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
