So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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