I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
