What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
