Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
