At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
