my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
