3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She said her name was "party"
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
