just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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