Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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