You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
