so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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