Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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