I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Please don't give away my fajitas
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