I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
