oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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