The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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