apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
