Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
