How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
