how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
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Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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