i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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