I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
