How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
