I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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