My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize