it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
