I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
