He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
