Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
