bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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