How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
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just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
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I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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