You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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