Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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