3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Boobs are out for the taking
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
