i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
