Me. At least after what I've been through.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
