Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
