The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
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We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
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Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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