Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
