in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
she looked like the before picture.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
