He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
