And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
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What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
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You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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