You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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