Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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