I'd wear matching sweaters with you
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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